Back From Betrayal - An Airtight Formula

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I've a lot of good friends being thrown out of the homes, or more exacty, who have thrown themself out...

Some of the have a very bad life afterwards. And a life in powerty, bad health and bad end of life awaits many.

And of course, there is betrayal in their history. Happily I still are still in my house, but as I see so many brilliant people experiencing this, there lingers a fright inside me. I'm anxious that I one day will lose my mind and betray everyone I love...

Then it is good to read something like this post from Psycology today by Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. which gives you the means to get a change to come back to your partner after six hard months. Here is a part:

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R's to respond to the 4 H's you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust. The 4 H's and the 4 R's: 


1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you're truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for very narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with during the Monica situation). 

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy while you lied to the. 

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATEyourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior. 

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need toREQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality. 

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving. It's clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what's in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R's above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking you again---and that feeling is called, "euphoria."
*A full explanation of the 4 H’s and 4 R’s and how to use them to rebuild trust is available in The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee) by Mark Goulston with Philip Goldberg.

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